Reflections & Learnings- A Letter to My Self: On the eve of my 32nd Birthday

Dear a-little-bit-lost, a-little-bit-broken but still strong, soon to be 32-year-old self,

YOU turn 32 tomorrow. Every day is a birthday; you really believe that. Deep inside, you truly believe that you should be celebrating life each and every day. You also believe that you should celebrate the lives of those you love each and every day. Life should never be taken for granted; life is not a given.

I am writing to you this letter, so you can remember what it felt like to be 31.

No one loves you as much as I do. No one has ever cared for you and wished good for you as much as I have. Well, save for your mama. I have been with you through your months of turmoil and days of melancholy. I have seen you crying for hours and musing in bed on those dark, long nights. Trust me, I have seen you at your worst. 31 has been a roller-coaster of emotions for you.

I have also known you when you are at your best crazy self – grooving nonstop in a bar (don’t judge me-you the holier than thou), cracking silly jokes in a group at inappropriate times…But, my most memorable experiences with you have been in times when you are at your best beautiful, kind, determined self –when you turned around a negative situation into a positive one with your unshakable faith, when you saved somebody else and bore the brunt on their behalf.

This year has been a whirlwind. It feels like yesterday when you celebrated your birthday- but, alas, an entire year has passed. Thirty-one was marked with some high moments;- personal achievements, bucket-list travels (you without doubt had a blast in New York, Miami, DC, LA and the Caribbean),… But, it was also marked with some very deep low moments. You continue to work through them and it’s a work in progress kinda thing for you. Until 31, you didn’t know what depression was and how much damage it can cause to a human soul. You probably don’t understand it much either and maybe you never will….

Some of your most frustrating moments were met with moments of calm albeit with lots of struggle. You dreamt about being someplace else-not geographically but mindfully. Knowing things would make more sense when you got the whole picture. I guess it was your way of meditating the worry away. That is NOT to say that you figured anything out; you always knew there was more to know in other ways. You were naive enough to not know any of the answers- and you still don’t know them. But you were wise enough to understand that you needed help. Time was a factor. Life was a factor.

Accepting to see a therapist was one of the best decisions you made. Naturally, you keep to yourself a lot –you just don’t know how to open up to people especially when you are hurting. (I hope that part of you changes as you journey through life).  Somedays you broke down hard, run away and retracted from almost everything. Your therapist has been and continues to be very helpful. I hope you can continue to meet with her even when you don’t feel like it. Okay, enough of this talk…tears are stinging my eyes …. I can’t write about this anymore; maybe not now but someday when I have found my healing, I know I will.

Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you’re really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing the best you can.

Back to the new year ahead of ME; I’m excited about this new year, probably because I’ve been over a lot of the “growing” I was succumbed to before now. Or maybe because I am welcoming it with open arms. I’m at a place where I know I’m not done growing or learning. (who stops learning anyway?) I’m also at a place where those limitations aren’t holding me back from what I know now. I have a lot less fear than I ever did in my previous years. I’m honest, I’m kind, I’m very loving and I’m ENOUGH.

I’m also trying to stay positive, encouraging and confident that things will be OK. I spend some time in introspection: figuring out what makes me tick at this stage in life; what kind of woman I want to continue to evolve into; and what pieces of me should be shed. I have gracefully let go of some things and people in the last years and I don’t regret it. At certain points in life, you must choose/prioritize you and your sanity first. I’m finally believing I can create the life I desire, and even more importantly, I’m worthy to live it!

If there’s anything 31 has taught me is to be less judgmental and more accepting/loving of people. People battle all sorts of things on a daily basis and we question them like the gods we are with zero knowledge of what they’re fighting and dealing with.

I believe in my heart and soul that we can be the beacon of love and hope in this messed-up world. I’m sure everyone has gone through some tough times in their life. We all go through struggles that we have to deal with. Sometimes we wish it would all go away so we can be happy. Something I have learned is that when life gets hard I need to remember to love myself and keep going forward without looking back knowing the best is yet to come. In those times, even when it’s hard, find reason to love your neighbor who could be battling something even worse.

And if you do not find the strength to do so, just make sure you find enough love for yourself. Just find it…..

Love and Light Always.
Deborah