A Letter to “YOU” on My 34th Birthday

Over the past years, I have written letters to myself on my birthday. I love looking back at these letters and see what has changed across the years. These letters are important. They allow me to see things clearly. I delve better insight into my emotional patterns. My motivations. My struggles. Anything really. They allow me to talk to my past self, present self, and future self.  However, today, two days after my 34^th birthday, I am not writing a letter to myself. I am writing this letter to you, yes YOU who keeps hounding me (read women) with the “when are you getting married”, “when are you having children” or “at least have a child” questions/statements. Get a seat, grab some coffee or whatever it is that you love! We have some talking to do…… While I will publish this on my blog, I chose to post it directly on my Facebook page. It is a tad long, but I hope you can read till the end. Please do…

Now listen, there is nothing wrong with getting married and wanting the people you care about to experience the happiness/achievement you probably associate with that. But there is something wrong with telling them that you know better than they do about their own lives. Yes, that’s what your questions imply!

Of course, some women just don’t feel like marriage is right for them. There is nothing wrong with people assessing their own life and making that judgement, and nobody should feel ashamed for having reached that decision for themselves.

‘So how much longer?’ ‘Are you looking?’ ‘Don’t you think it’s time to settle down?’ There are far better questions to ask a woman other than those that tie her being and worth to another person.  There is a plethora of fulfilling paths that do not include marriage or men as the pinnacle.  It’s harmful when the value of a woman is placed to a relationship status. Women are judged for being unmarried or even being divorced all because of a patriarchal lens and social constructs. Stop with the questions about marriage. Seriously, shut up!

I’m quite glad we’re close enough that you feel like you know what I need in my life, but quite frankly, I’m not here for it. The only person entitled to an opinion on my life is myself, and the decision of when or if to get married is my own to make.

These questions become very tedious after a while and can be hurtful at times. They almost somehow diminish everything else – professional achievements, personal achievements, goals etc… – and I also feel it is quite very old-fashioned, like I’m a woman in the 1920s waiting desperately for a ring on her finger. Hello!!

The obsession with marriage is only intensified by cultural expectations – Have I ever felt the pressure to get married? I’m African, so duh! It is the norm. “Everyone wants to know when you’re going to get hitched: your mother, your uncles, your aunties, work colleagues, friends, neighbors, and even some really inquisitive strangers.

What it all boils down to is that people will get married when or if they want to; I know I will. So, let us stop pushing people into the predetermined life path we (or society) deem fit for them.

What further fans the flames of my irritation is that the marriage question is so quickly followed up with ‘oh but don’t you want children?’ At least have a child. Again, none of your business!

Can we STOP asking women when or if they are planning to have children? A woman’s reproductive choice is her prerogative. A woman’s body is her business so get the heck out of her uterus!

I know all about the biological clock because I hear it ticking. No one knows this better than a 34-year-old girl. I/We do not need to be reminded. But I also understand that God gave me the “clock” and He’s well able to keep it ticking till He brings the man and the children.

While I can easily brush off the marriage question (by putting you in your rightful place), no one should ever ask me or any other woman when they are going to have a child or children. You do not know what any woman is dealing with at any given time.

Asking a woman who is struggling to conceive or has suffered a pregnancy loss can dredge up intense painful emotions. And depending on the person’s communication style, you may not even know they are struggling. Well, even women who have already started a family may have trouble conceiving or carrying to term again. Asking parents when they are going to give little Danny or Diana a baby brother or sister can hurt just as much.

Just don’t ask these dumb questions! In this case, remember the adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Even your kindest reassurances — that a pregnancy will happen if it’s meant to, that adoption is an option, that the woman should just relax/eat flax seeds at the right time of the month— won’t convey the goodwill you intend them to. If your loved one does add to their family’s headcount, they will let you know. Keep even your best-intentioned questions and suggestions to yourself.  

IT’S SIMPLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. None! You won’t be paying for prenatal care. You don’t have to deal with the emotions that stir up in them when they see a pregnant stranger or a mother soothing the cries of her newborn baby or hear the innocent, infectious laugh of a toddler. You don’t have to deal with the disappointment some women feel monthly when the pregnancy test results reflect “negative.” You don’t have to deal with the guilt that some carry because they can’t give their spouse or partner the one thing that means the most to both, the one thing they equally looked forward to at some point. You don’t have to deal with the unanswered prayers she’s made to God to open up her womb. You don’t have to deal with the fear that some feel because they worry they may lose their spouse.

All you should do is mind the business that God gave you. If you are truly concerned, keep them in your thoughts and prayers — if you can even get a prayer up.

Until then, keep your questions whether on marriage or children to yourself!

L♥ve and Light

Deborah