Where is the LOYALTY?

We all experience certain scenarios in life. Some are good and carry with them lasting memories, yet some are bad and not only leave memories but also scars in our lives. They say time heals all wounds but I am not sure it heals the scars as well.   Well, maybe it does…But at the end of it all, we are to learn a lesson from our experiences; if only we choose to.

Almost everything we do in life involves coming into contact with people, either voluntary or involuntary. Right from when we are little kids- to our early school days, work places …… Some of these people we grow strong close ties to, they become our friends. Friendships hold different meanings to different people, and to some, they don’t comprehend later alone appreciate the gift of friendship. If you ask a four-year-old what a friend is, she is likely to give a response regarding someone who happens to be near her or whose toys she likes. At ages seven, eight, and nine, children begin to realize that friendship is personal, and they may like or dislike a person due to some trait. In later years, however, we begin to realize that human relationships are complex.

When adults are asked what friendship means, some of the most frequent words that come forth are loyalty, honesty, respect, trust, intimacy, help, and support. So why do we build strong relationships with some and not others? Part of the reason is that we naturally gravitate to people like ourselves. We tend to be more comfortable with people who have relationship styles similar to our own. The more alike our interests and attitudes are, the more likely we are to be friends.

Common interests make us more likeable to each other. And we all like to be liked! But our commonalities will only take us so far. Strong relationships (be they friends, family, lovers, etc.) create an implied promise: I will be there for you! It is this loyalty that differentiates friend from acquaintance, companion from escort.

Loyalty at its essence is about sticking with one another. It means that we strongly intend to keep the relationship going. It means that we are emotionally attached to one another. The loyal are not simply members of the entourage that inevitably arrives when things are going well. It’s easy to get people to come to the party. But when the party’s over, who is there to help you clean up? As Oprah Winfrey notes, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” Loyal companions can rely on one another. This interdependence actually affects our motives, preferences, behaviors, and outcomes. In healthy relationships, it helps us to become better people than we could be alone.

As Aristotle puts it…“Nobody would choose to live without friends, even if he had all other good things”.

However, many at times we feel cheated of our loyalty, call it misplaced loyalty. It’s just normal that when you give of your loyalty, you tend to expect the same. But it never plays out that way, but when it does, be thankful for those loyal trusted friendships. Loyalty has become so rare a commodity that treachery seems to be all that is left. Personally, I have had my bitter share of disloyalty but I have come to accept that some people will always be who they are; and it’s indeed true that you should believe people when they show you who they are. Like they say, some people are only loyal to their need in your life, loyalty ends where the benefits stop. “Loyalty isn’t grey. Its black and white. You’re either loyal completely, or not Loyal at all.”

Realistically speaking, I think that as humans, we are bound to fail or disappoint that trust that has been placed in us knowingly or otherwise. “I’m only human.” We all say it. But we don’t say it to indicate that we are the most advanced life form currently proven to exist in the universe. We say it to indicate that there will be times when we will disappoint others . . . and ourselves. Nowhere are we more human than in our relationships with others. We are rarely more emotionally vulnerable. And as we envision the future of our closest relationships, we can be certain of one thing—at some point everyone who is close to us will disappoint us so long as we both live long enough. This means that at some point, we too will disappoint those for whom we care most deeply. These experiences hurt—especially those failures that we believe are particularly disloyal. Yes, this is indeed part of being human.

Reminds me of that poignant story in the New Testament which tells of Peter, one of the twelve apostles and most loyal follower of Jesus. Jesus foretold to Peter that he would renounce his association with Him three times. Peter protested strongly, vowing, “I will not deny you.” But after Jesus was arrested by the Romans, Peter did exactly as Jesus had predicted. At sunrise, Peter, overcome with remorse at his disloyalty, broke down weeping. Now, as humans, we don’t have that all knowing wisdom to be able to predict such events, I guess that’s why we get broken and feel betrayed when our fears come to life. Probably we should always have our expectations down.

Even the most loyal relationships are open and vulnerable to potential betrayal, conflict, and negative outcomes. This can easily lead us to become jaded about relationships and approach new experiences with our guard up. While this makes perfect sense from a survival instinct perspective, it causes us to miss out on rewarding experiences we could have had with others. Although a certain degree of caution is critical to emotional survival, being overly cautious is extremely detrimental. It leads us to form prejudices against potential new relationships even when it is not warranted. While there may be some truth to the saying “good fences make good neighbors,” a wall with no gates in it is a prison. As poet Robert Frost writes in the poem “Mending Wall”: Before I built a wall I’d ask to know, what I was walling in or walling out.

Do our friends believe without a doubt that we convincingly demonstrate our loyalty to them? Are they certain that we have and will continue to . . .

• Devote enough time to our relationships with them?
• Stand up for them when it is uncomfortable, even risky, to do so?
• Celebrate their successes without envy?
• Support them during difficult times?
• Hold fast to information provided in confidence?
• Make every effort to carry our commitments to them even when it requires considerable self sacrifice? e.t.c

This isn’t easy to do. In some aspect of our relationships, virtually all of us disappoint in conveying our loyalty to friends and family. We all know this. Yet somehow knowing this intellectually doesn’t make it less uncomfortable to have it confirmed.

So, where can one find loyalty? Simply put, if you want loyalty, adopt a dog. As Josh Billings said, “A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” If this is not a viable option, you might try the following approach…

You must always be keenly aware that you should not expect loyalty, ASK Me…., I give my loyalty to those whose i don’t question, i reward disloyalty with distance. Makes life much easier.

 

“Make sure everyone in your “boat” is rowing and not drilling holes when you are not looking”.